Chicago Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, a man was telling his co-worker that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits, he was just too afraid of all the crime and did not desire to risk being mugged just to get to work.
His co-worker asked him to reconsider, noting that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said, "Why I myself worked in Chicago for over 10 years, and in all that time I had no problem with crime."
The first asked, "What type of work did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "Oh, I rode as an armed security guard on a Brink's armored car."

Chicago saw warmer temperatures Friday, and most of the remaining ice on the ground has now melted. Area residents say they would be more excited, but someone keeps artificially cooling the ice where the Blackhawks play.

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Spring 1996
*/
#include "stdio.h"
#include "dos.h"
#include "conio.h"
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99281-95
from: William H. Gates III
to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
William H. Gates III wrote:
"I have serious doubts about the 'EASY'
installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually
bought something _good_. Therefore I want the
installation-definition to be 'HARD'.
Carry on,
Bill
"
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD
void main()
{
while(! CRASHED)
{ display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{ more...

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.
New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.
New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.
Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

Background: The hockey world is buzzing as former Pittsburgh Penguins superstar Mario Lemieux is expected to announce that he is coming out of retirement to play with the team he now owns.
[AP] - In a shocking development from the hockey world, hockey legend and superstar Mario Lemieux announced his come-back to the sport in an emotional press-conference at Mellon Arena today.
Not more than twenty minutes afterward, the Penguin great was immediatly traded to the Chicago Blackhawks for Tony Amonte, Mikael Nylander, Dean McAmmond and several undisclosed draft picks.
Craig Patrick, Penguins' general manager, was asked to explain the dealing of his boss, "I just wanted to do it, because it's really ironic. He still owns the Penguins and everything, but now he plays for Chicago! I mean... whoa! That's weird!"
Lemieux, seen in the Mellon Arena parking lot rather livid after he learned of his trade, tried his best to ease the situation, "It's my own damn fault. more...

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how more...