Chicago Jokes / Recent Jokes

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.My husband obligingly hailed a cab."The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.The cabby looked over his shoulder at us."And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only afew blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietlyentered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit." Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold more...

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.
So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at more...

A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said' Professor your 44..'
The Professor said' you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?'
The student said.' You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half mad.'

An annotated thermometer
60 Californians put on sweaters
(if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
Wisconsinites plant gardens
40 You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
Minnesota ice cream sales peak
British cars don't start
25 Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 Too cold to ski
Snow removal becomes political controversy in Chicago
You more...

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him,"Charlie what are you doing?" And Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago" Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says... "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"