Christmas Animal Jokes / Recent Jokes
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
' Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
' Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.
(Thanks to IrisMist)
It's Christmas Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, it's Christmas Eve, and I know we're both depressed, and I certainly don't mean to bug you, but my curiosity is *killing* me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?" Kelly says, "It's none of your damn business! And if you be givin' me a hard time, I'll be breakin yer face!" A mouse pops out of Kelly's shirt pocket and says, "And that goes for your stupid *cat*, too!"
Tonight's my first night as a watchdog and here it is Christmas Eve The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs, While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.
What's that now? Footsteps on the rooftop? Could it be a cat or mouse? Who's this down the chimney? A thief with a beard and a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt. He howls and jumps back in his sleigh. I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air! I've frightened the whole bunch away!
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again. The stockin's are safe as can be. Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow and see how I've guarded the tree!
Both are very popular at Christmas
But it is not generally considered cruel
To abandon a log
And dogs are rarely used as fuel
--John Hegley, "Can I Come Down Now Dad?"
What is the favorite Christmas story for moose?
A Chrismoose Carol.
Who gives presents to chickens?
Santa Clucks.
Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb?
Because it would say "Ba aa aaaa -Humbug!"
What is the favorite Christmas treat for ducks?
Christmas Quackers
Why does Santa use reindeer to pull his sleigh and not pigs?
Because when Pigs fly everything that wasn't supposed to happen... does.
What is a dog's favorite Christmas carol?
Bark! The Herald Angels Sing...
What is a monkey's favorite Christmas carol?
Jungle Bells, Jungle Bells
What is a snake's favorite Christmas carol?
Ssssssssssssssleigh Ride.
Who delivers the cat's Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross-Mouse cards!
How to cats greet each other at Christmas?
"A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year"!