Christmas Animal Jokes / Recent Jokes

Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him
of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no
lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer
down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms
in his mouth...

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he
said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do
you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such
animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he
pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,
never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in
America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten
times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for
just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all
his lies."

National Federation of Uniformed Elves
Main Office, North Pole
Female Elf Employment Application
1. Name ________________
2. Present Address ____________________
3. Age ___ (If under 100, parental permission is required)
4. Height ______ (If over 3 feet 6 inches, please attach waiver
application)
5. Present Occupation ____________ (If politician, forget it!)
6. Hobbies ______________________________
(If boys, boys, boys, do you like "little, little" boys?)
7. Professional Qualifications ______________________________
(Can you cook, sew, clean and other things male chauvinist
elves get off on?)
8. References ______________________________
(No religious references please. They tend to lead us astray.)
9. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting a
reindeer?
Yes ( ) No ( ) (if yes, you need not apply!)
10. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting more...

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine
and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the
zookeeper.
"The principal difference is the North American species has a
longer prick."
This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who
stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo
manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate
choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the
North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their
pricks are just about the same size."

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming
as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).
All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area.
Months went by with no incidence. However, more...

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they f**k you everytime!"

One night a robber broke into a home. While he was aggressively searching through a desk the robber heard a voice say,' 'Jesus is watching you! ”
He yelled,' 'Who said that?!''
Once again the robber heard the same thing,' 'Jesus is watching you!''
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was and the parrot replied,' 'Arthur.''
The robber said,' 'Ha ha! Who names a parrot that?! ”
With attitude the parrot laughs,' 'Ha ha! The same person who named the pit-bull BEHIND you Jesus!!"