Christmas Greetings Jokes

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or
secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all. . . and a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of
the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have
helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater
than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere),
and without regard more...

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, yet with respect for the religious persuasions of others or their choice not to practice religion at all;
and
a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year, 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to our society have helped make America great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious or sexual preference of the wishes.
(This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, it implies no promise by the wishor to actually attempt to implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.)

It was Christmas Eve and Ron had still not bought anything for his
for Christmas. So, on his way home, he stopped at that famous department store, Nacy's.
I'll just get her some nice perfume, he thought, as he entered the store. Walking up to the perfume counter, Ron said, "I'm looking for a nice perfume for my wife for Christmas."
The cosmetics clerk said, "Certainly, we have several very fine perfumes. And she proceeded to show him a bottle of "Elegance, $75 an ounce.
"That's a bit out of my price range, Ron said.
The clerk returned a moment later with another perfume, "Leave Him Wondering, for only $35 an ounce.
"That's still quite a lot, he grumbled.
So the clerk brought out a bottle of "Smells Like Heaven, only $20 an ounce.
At this, Ron grew a bit angry. "Geez, he exclaimed, "Can't you show me something real cheap?"
In response, the clerk handed him a mirror.

During the winter of 1970-71 I worked as a janitor at a county courthouse in Upstate New York (it was Binghamton for those who care for the specifics). One of my tasks was to run the elevator - an old manual one with a lever to make it go up and down and not many safety features so you could stop it between floors for the fun of it.
Here is the sign I placed in that elevator during the holiday season:
"We wish you felicitations concomitant with your observance of the season and many propitious initions during the forthcoming twelvemonth."

SEASONS GREETINGS (after the lawyers were done)
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best
wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the
winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable
traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular
practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to
practice religious or secular traditions at all. . .
.. . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2001, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to
society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America
is necessarily greater than any other country or is the more...