Claim Jokes / Recent Jokes
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would more...
Some claim that heaven is not biased. This story comes, then, as counter-point to that notion.
An airplane from a Global Airlines crashed. There were no survivors. The souls of the departed lined up at the gates of heaven, as they sat from the back of the plane to the front. Each had to correctly answer one question to be admitted.
Early in the line came an elementary school teacher. "What airline where you flying?" "Global," she replied, and went in.
Later, an unemployed hipster approached. "What was the flight number?" "117?" he stated tentatively. "Correct," came the response, and he was admitted.
As the line approached the end, two passengers came up one after another, the owner of a plumbing business and a lawyer. The entire time the line proceeded, the plumber had been extremely obnoxious with the other passengers, making rude guestures, telling sexist and racist jokes, and generally more...
Passed on by a friend at work, origin unknown (but probably caused by a quantum fluctuation)
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This more...
A farmer whos been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim."I understand youre claiming damages for the injuries youre supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company."Yes, thats right," replied the farmer, nodding his head."You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, Ive never felt better inn my life. Is that the case?""Yeah, but" stammered the farmer."A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly."Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmers counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said."Certainly," replied the farmer. more...
PASSENGER
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay more...
The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men
Real Men.. put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men.. pretend you`re not there when their moms call.
Real Men.. claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men.. claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Real Men.. know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men.. are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Real Men.. really know how to make you relax.
Most Men... really know how to make you laugh.
Real Men.. read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men.. read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Real Men.. make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men.. make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.
Real Men.. wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with more...
Toasters are an often overlooked part of life. But their importance is great! A good toaster which evenly toasts the bread to the perfect light browness of delectablity is worth it's weight in gold and if it can do bagels, look out! The question is what if the "BIGGIES IN TECHNO" made toasters? If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still more...