Claus Jokes / Recent Jokes
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:' 'These toys insured by more...
'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Reckneck Version
'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, ''Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.''
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept more...
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true. . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because more...
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with more...
What do elves learn in school?
The ELF-abet.
How many reindeer does Santa have?
11 (named below):
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen,
Rudolph (the one with the red nose),
Olive (all of the other reigndeer)
and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
What kind of bird can write?
A PEN-guin
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long distance-runners on each side.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
Beacuse every buck is dear to him.
What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle
What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you.
ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF#2: "OKay everyone, sack time!"
If athletes get athlete's foot, more...
Two small communities have banned Santa Claus because of his awful past
indiscretions. One year the reindeer peed on a transformer, knocking our
electricity in one city.
The following year Santa drank too much spiked eggnog and took a dump on the
roof of City Hall, mooning twelve nurses in the adjacent hospital. In the other
community, Santa passed out in his sleigh and his elves put XXX videos in
kids' Christmas stockings. So they've put guards on high buildings and denied
Santa permission to use their airspace. Kids will have to get toys from their
parents.
A local newspaper wrote up the story in their Music section, with the headline:
"Santa Claus is Scum in Two Towns.