Claus Jokes / Recent Jokes

People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top
of the Christmas tree.
It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to
get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the world's children. He told
Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch
to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all
the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.
At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with
Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized
she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out
to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night,
had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree.
Santa tried to more...

There are four ages of men. When you believe in Santa Claus. When you don't believe in Santa Claus. When you are Santa Claus. When you look like Santa Claus.

Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources more...

I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, more...

101. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. 102. Q: How do blondes get pregnant? A: And you thought blondes were dumb. 103. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" 104. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. 105. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. 106. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. 107. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. 108. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. 109. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill? A: Wishful Thinking. 110. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! 111. Q: If a blonde and a brunette more...

1689--Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.
1691--Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him.
1692--Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703--Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.
1704--Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705--Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716--After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as more...

You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.
So - you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.