Clock Jokes / Recent Jokes
10 Things Women Will Simply Never Understand
Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is
probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing
that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the
room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our
nose hair.
Better for them, better for us. Still, it`s annoying
that women spend more time and money trying to
understand the minds of cats than they do wondering
about what makes men tick. Which is why they`ll
never understand...
1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most
expensive version of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in
cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore
drilling equipment is well-documented.
As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like
"professional"or "industrial strength", because inside
every man is the germ of every profession he more...
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A man died and went to Heaven. Since it was a slow day for St. Peter, he offered to show the man around. Thinking this was a very gracious offer, the man accepted.
While showing him the sights, they came to a huge room that was full of clocks. "What's with all the clocks?" the man asked.
St. Peter explained, "Every person on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
This seemed to make sense to the man, but he noticed that some of the clocks were going faster than others and asked St. Peter why.
"Each time a living person tells a lie," explained St. Peter, "it speeds his clock."
As they were about to leave the room, the man took one last look around and when looking up, he noticed one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this one, both hands were spinning at an unbelievable rate. "What's the story with that more...
Time to do the inner-blonde test! Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!
1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?
3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?
4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light more...
There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucketplease?"The assistant asked"Pardon sir?"."Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for hisbucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -"Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant andasked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". So he more...