Collection Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Marine Colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, nothing is moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what seems to be the hold up?"

The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed that Hillary has moved to New York, and may leave him altogether that he just stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway, and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family absolutely hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers for that whole Monica and Paula thing. So I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of more...

Jury: A collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding which side has hired the better lawyer.

You might be a redneck if...
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance more...

Ever since Lutherans stopped discriminating against gays in the church, things are a little different.
Recently, the Lutheran church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and asked whom ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate to "please stand up".
A gay man stood up and announced that the donation was his. The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns." Excitedly, the gay guy looked around and started pointing, saying, "I'll take him, him, and him."

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

A collection of insults!
For two cents, I'd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.
You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.
I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
You must be the arithmetic man - you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
You started at the bottom - and it's been downhill ever since.
You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
I heard that when you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
I used to think that you were a big pain in more...

You might be a redneck if...

You fish in your above-ground pool.. . and catch something.

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection