Collection Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

Every Sunday at church, a little old lady placed $500 in the collection plate. This continued for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiousity, approached her. "I couldn't help but notice that you put $500 in the collection plate every week," he said.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful," the priest replied. "How much does your son send you?"
"He sends me $1,500.00 every week," the old woman said.
"Your son seems to be very successful. What does he do for a living?" the priest asked.
"He's a veterinarian," the old woman proudly replied.
The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he tells me he has one cat house in Chicago, one in Miami and another in Dallas," explained the old woman.

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity,
approached
her.
"My dear, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I
don't need, I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, but how much does he send you?" the priest asked.
"He sends me $2,000 every week," she replied proudly.
"Your son must be very successful," said the priest. "May I ask what
does
he do for a living?
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession," the priest assured her. "Where
does
he practice?"
"Well," she replied, "he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in
New Orleans."

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the preacher, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "My dear lady, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house near Las Vegas and another outside of Reno."

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!

Q: How many rec. humor. funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.

Q: How many rec. humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32. .. Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec. humor (US spelling) *not* rec. more...

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud more...