Collection Jokes / Recent Jokes
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs more...
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving
more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that
the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone
voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a
slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the
collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher
did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every
Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried
his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the
chain on the watch more...
Three Pujaris (Priests), one from Gujarat, one from Kerala, and one from Bengal were discussing how they divided up the collection money from their temples between themselves and their religion.
First, Gujarati Pujari said, "I take my expenses- about 10 percent-and I give the rest to God." The Kerala Pujari said, "Well, I try to be fair. I divide it up equally, half for me and half for God." Finally, the Bangali Pujari said. "I keep all the money on the collection plate. Then I throw it up into the air, god takes what he wants and I keep the rest."
A local preacher was unhappy with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he should try hypnotizing the congregation into giving more.
"How would I go about doing something like that?" the preacher asked.
"It's quite simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the church is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So, the following Sunday, the reverend did as suggested and, lo and behold, the collection plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday, so he waited for a couple of weeks and tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud. more...
This is, without a doubt, the funniest collection letter that I have even seen! Someone must have been having a really frustrating day when they wrote this. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Share it with others can get a good laugh too.
(DATE)
(COMPANY)
(ADDRESS)
(ADDRESS)
(CITY, STATE, ZIP)
Attention: ________________
Dear ___________________:
Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations! We are still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month ago. I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was due over a year ago. Get real. If they have not paid you yet they are probably not going to. That is not our problem.
Girl, you are going to go to jail if you do not pay for this check. We are not willing to wait any longer for our money. If I had my way, we would not sell you any product at all. You are not a good risk. We put you on open account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we more...
A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take."