Confession Jokes / Recent Jokes

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.
I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.
They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.
After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a more...

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?" "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it." "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?" "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family." Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, the man said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I-I tried," the man sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the priest, the man hurried off.
When confession was over, the priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey.

Brittany was on her deathbed with her husband Adam at her side.
"Honey, I need to make a confession.'' whimpered Brittany groggily, "I slept with your brother, your cousin, and your father.'' ''It's okay, Sweetie. I know," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "Why do you think I poisoned you?''

Forgive me, Father," the embarrassed bachelor told his confessor. "I made love to a beautiful virgin last night."
"That's terrible," the cleric groaned. "Was it Cynthia Goodrich?"
"Please don't ask me that," the fellow pleaded.
"Was it the Carruthers girl?" the man of the cloth prodded him.
"I don't want to answer," he insisted.
"Well, was it Susan Fullerton?" the priest demanded.
"I simply refuse to tell you," the young chap declared firmly.
"All right, my son," the cleric sighed. "For admitting your guilt, you are forgiven, but you'd better see me again next week."
Leaving the church, the fellow met his best friend, who had waited for him outside. "How did your confession go?" the friend inquired.
"Not bad," the bachelor replied. "I got a week off and three new leads."

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says,' Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'. Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'. The priest asks,' was it Mrs Murphy'?' no, Father', was the reply.' Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was' No, Father'.' Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be telling you the lady's name! So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said,' well, how did you do'? Pat said,' Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.