Confession Jokes / Recent Jokes

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years andtells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig eversince his wife died.The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether thepig is a male or female."No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is afemale, of course. What the hell do you think I am - a goddam queer?

A judaic rabbi met a christian father and asked him how came theirs church is so big and so rich. The father told the rabbi about the confession and invited him to come and see how it is going.
On sunday the rabbi steps into church to set up the confession cabin near the father.
A young woman cames into the cabin saying "Forgive me father for I have sinned - I've ben with a man who is not my husband"
"You made a wrong thing my child" said the father.
"Put 10 in the way out pray every night and you will be forgiven"
The rabbi set their for two more confession and ask the father permission to try to take his place.
A young lady came into the cabin and sais "Forgive me father for I have sinned - I'v been with a man who is not my father."
"You made a wrong thing my child" said the rabbi "put 100 in the way out and you can do it ten more times"

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice. The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Because I'm telling everybody!"

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife’s beside.
It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper.
“Bill darling, ” she breathed. “I’ve got a confession to make before I go… I… I’m the one who took the $10, 000 from your safe in the house
…I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace.
…I’m afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion…”
“That’s all right dearest; don’t even give it a second thought. ” said Bill. “I have a small confession too. I’m the one who poisoned you! ”

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father, I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice." "I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?" "Never, Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish" "So why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody!"

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me and my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my bedroom..."
"Go on, my child," said the priest gently.
"I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my.... on my..."
"Go on."
"On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
"And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself."
"Yes, go on," the priest directed.
"I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,"
the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to shove it in me so hard..."
"Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard.
"And then we heard the front door slam--"
"Oh, SHIT!!!!

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary's.
So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way.
The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the "old man" gives for a wank behind a bush.
The two boys reply, "A can of Coke and a Mars Bar."