Confession Jokes / Recent Jokes

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to
a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew more...

GIRL'S CONFESSION The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me andmy cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to mybedroom..." "Go on, my child," said the priest gently. "I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his handon my....on my..." "Go on." "On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen."And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself." "Yes, go on," the priest directed. "I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,"the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began toshove it in me so hard..." "Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard. "And then we heard the front door slam-" "Oh, SHIT!!!

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

A lawyer named Chris was on his death bed, his partner of 35 years at his bedside. "Joe," Chris said, "I have a confession to make. I've been having an affair with your wife for 25 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Jill. Not only that, but I've also been stealing from our firm for years."
"Don't give it another thought," replied Joe. "I have a confession too. I'm the one who put the arsenic in your martini."

The confession
Hymie enters a Catholic church and confronts the priest. "I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married for 64 years. Last week I had crazy, joyous sex with a 27-year-old super-model."
The priest is aghast. "Why don`t you go to confession, old man?"
Hymie replies, "Why should a Jewish man such as myself go to confession?"
The priest is confused. "If you`re Jewish, why then are you telling me this story?"
Hymie replies, "I`m telling everyone!"

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really badly. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him,

"Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Rosaries and everything was going good.

Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the more...