Confession Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary's. So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way. The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the "old man" gives for a wank behind a bush. The two boys reply, "A can of Coke and a Mars Bar."

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.



Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.



They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she was as more...

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.; "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another more...

A young man goes to confession saying, "Father forgive me, I have sinned with a young woman."

The Priest asks, "Was it Mary McCarthy?"

"No, father, its not for me to say," the man replies.

"Was it Rita Sanchez?"

"No, father, I can't tell you."

"Linda Torelli?"

"No, father, it wouldn't be right for me to mention any names."

With this the priest tells him to sin no more and gives him pennance.

On the way out of the church, the man passes a friend, who asks him what happened.

The young man says, "I got one rosary, two Our Fathers, and three new leads"

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.; "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another more...

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

A pretty girl goes to church to make a confession to a priest. She is sobbing uncontrollaby when the priest asks her, "what's the matter my child?"
"My boyfriend did something bad to me," she said. The priest now kissed her and said, "Did he do this to you?" She shakes her head "no." He hugs her and said, "did he do this to you." she stutters a "no" between all her crying. He now pulled off her clothes and said, "Did he do this to you?" She stops crying enough to say"no." He now has his way with her and says, "did he do this to you?" She crys, "not exactly" After putting on his clothes and covering her up he asked, "Then what did your boyfriend do?" She crys out. "He raped me and gave me AIDS!" The priest fainted!