Confession Jokes / Recent Jokes

GIRL'S CONFESSION The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me andmy cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to mybedroom..." "Go on, my child," said the priest gently. "I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his handon my.... on my..." "Go on." "On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen."And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself." "Yes, go on," the priest directed. "I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,"the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began toshove it in me so hard..." "Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard. "And then we heard the front door slam--" "Oh, SHIT!!!!

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive mefor I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," the fellow replied." Tell me about it," the priest said. The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliverymanfor UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluentsection of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened andthere stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Shehad long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressedin a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in." "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest." Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how Ilusted," replied the man." Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will getyour reward in heaven, my son." "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow more...

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

Both Golf
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season."
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker."
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!"

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years andtells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig eversince his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether thepig is a male or female." No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is afemale, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:
"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."
"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived more...