Confession Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season." "Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker." "No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!"

Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest "Father, I've done something terrible. I just know they're going to throw me out of the church for this one."
"Hold, on," says the priest, "what have you done that's so bad they're going to throw you out of the church?"
"Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then."
"There's nothing wrong with that," says the priest, "you're allowed to have sex with your wife.
Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?"
"Well," the man said, "they threw us out of the grocery store."

Little Johnny was giving confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

Woman in confession: Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
Preast: How have you sinned my child?
woman: I called my husband a "son of a bitch."
Preast: why did you do this.
woman: First, he took off my shirt.
Preast: Like this, (and he does it to her), that is no reason to call
him a son of a bitch.
woman: then he took off my pants.
Preast: Like this, that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
woman then he took off my bra and panties.
Preast: you mean like this, that is no reason to call him a son of a
bitch.
woman: but then he had sex with me.
Preast: Like this.
(15 minutes later)
Preast: that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
woman: I know, but a week ago he told me that he had sex with another
woman and he had aids, and I have contracted it.
Preast: Well that Son of a Bitch!

Heard from a friend while waiting for the teacher to come to class.
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like more...

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldn't hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasn't a priest to be found.
Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, "You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long.
"It's very simple", said the Priest. "There on the wall is a chart... column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is."
The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom.
The very next person in line more...