Confessional Jokes / Recent Jokes

Upon entering the confessional, a young woman admitted to the priest, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me... seven times!" The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it.""Will this cleanse me of my sins?" the young woman asked."No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that smile off your face."

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave
>> the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him
>> to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but >> the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him >> what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the
>> confessional.
>>
>> In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I >> have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I
>> committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." >> Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." >> A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says >> "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?"
>> Woman: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many more...

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless mefather for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says "Yes father, it's me." The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?" Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't wantto ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone more...

The girl knelt in the confessional and said,"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirrorand tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn'ta sin... it's simply a mistake."

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean,' almost'?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

At one local church, Jack was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Jack. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.
Jack said that he did not take any of the offering.
The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said "get in the confessional" which Jack did.
Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said "I can't hear you".
Again the priest asked "Jack did you take any of the offering?"
Again Jack answered "I can't hear you".
This time the priest yelled, "JACK DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING"
Again Jack answered "I can't hear you".
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Jack trade places more...

A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..." The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?" "Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend." "Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you." The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it." "Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench. You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees." "And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried. "No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree." "That must have been when you cursed?"
"No, because just as the more...