Congratulations Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three nuns at the pearly gates of heaven about to enter when Saint Peter appeared and said,
"To enter heaven, must answer three questions about the bible." The nuns agreed.
"Sister Anges," he continued, "Who was the first man to be created on Earth?"
"Adam, of course," she answered.
"Congratulations! You're in!" he said.
"Now, Sister Clementine. Who was the first women to be created on Earth?"
"Eve!" she said.
"Conglatulations! You're in too!"
"The last question is for you, Sister Mary. What did Eve say to Adam the first time she saw him?"
She thought about it.
"Oooh. That's a hard one." she said ponderously.
"Congratulations! You're in!" Saint Peter said.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a youngnewlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastorgoes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastorgoes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week Ihad to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to thenewlywed couple and asks,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex fortwo weeks?" "Well Pastor, more...

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!"
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the attorney sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says, "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?!" exclaims Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be more...

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you''re the father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Double mint Chewing Gum company."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith''s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do you like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air, I work for 7- UP."

Cards That You Won't Find At Hallmark -
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get more...

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers... and a box of Depends.
4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help butwonder .. What the hell was I thinking!
6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
7. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you... I've changed my mind.
9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life....
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that more...