Congratulations Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!
A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.
Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.
After a moment more...

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married! A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day. A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares. A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation. Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject. Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down. Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls. After a moment of quite repose It's tum to tum and toes to more...

Greeting card ideas rejected by Hallmark:
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed,
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers,
and a box of Depends.
4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine,
I got real snippy.
5. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me.
6. You totaled your car,
and can't remember why.
Could it have been,
that whole case of Bud Dry?
Other rejected ideas:
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I more...