Congratulations Jokes / Recent Jokes

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
All the couples agreed and then came back at the end of the two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all! Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!"
The pastor then goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor finally goes to the young newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you more...

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a youngnewlywed couple wanted to join a church.The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastorgoes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks?"The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastorgoes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for the two weeks?"The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week Ihad to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to thenewlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex fortwo weeks?""Well Pastor, we were more...

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were more...

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" "No problem at all, Father," the old man replied. "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest. The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but we managed it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No more...

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an uglybaby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I neverbelieved in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're nothere to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...""Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!""Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get more...

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital
waiting room, while their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations!
You`re the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota
Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns and tells the second man,
"You are the father of triplets!"
"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"
When the nurse tells the third man that his
wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints.
When he comes to, the others ask what`s wrong.
"What`s wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"