Consider Jokes / Recent Jokes

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. The homeless are invisible. The subway makes sense. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple". Your door has more than three locks. You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. You call an 8' x 10' more...

We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!

We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".

You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth.

You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!

A dope you are and dope will remain.

Completely unlike cocaine.

You add to, not diminish, pain!

We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.

We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A more...

You can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
Your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
You have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
You are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
You have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
You rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
Everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
You have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
You have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
There is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
You actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
You can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
You look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
You consider more...

You know your in the 90's...
25. When you consider Starbucks a food group.
24. When you schedule conference calls on your mobile phone while
you know you're gonna be stuck in traffic.
23. Whenever you hear an electric beeping, 90% of everyone in sight
reaches for their belts.
22. You find the words "conventional oven" archaic.
21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have email addresses.
19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your
bookmarks.
18. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and
bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never
get crossed off.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick-up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and
capital more...

Here is a great letter from MIT to a prospective student and that student's response.


Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life more...

> >
> > NUN STORY
> >
> > A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a
> > small, high, voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"
> >
> > In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation,
> > "Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?
> >
> > The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?"
> >
> > The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you
> > never think about doin' it?
> >
> > The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my
> > mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand."
> >
> > The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?"
> >
> > The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very
> > unique circumstance, I might consider it.
> >
> > The cabbie, "Well what would dose more...

Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles. One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas. Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions. First, it was assumed that if the overweight group more...