Consider Jokes / Recent Jokes
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3: 30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. The homeless are invisible. The subway makes sense. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. You think $7. 00 to cross a bridge is a fair price. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple". Your door has more than three locks. You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. You call an 8' x more...
The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students taken from the Harvard Crimson
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80, 000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
Top Five Lies Told By Teaching Assistants:
5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared tha you more...
The BarberA priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D. C. After he gothis haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "Nocharge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayerbooks and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. Hethen asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I considerit a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts anda thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he askedhow much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it aservice to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senatorsin front of the door.
The following is an exact transcription of a letter John Mongan received from MIT, and the reply that he sent them.Unfortunately, they chose to discontinue their correspondence at that point. I have heard, however, that their recruitment letter has been revised and is far less snotty than it once was.
April 18, 1994 Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567 Dear John: You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised.
Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective
universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention! Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, more...
Alaska may consider bans on bestiality after a 26-year-old registered sex offender was accused of molesting a local family's pet dog in the community of Klawock.Governor Sarah Palin, who is a strong supporter of the bill stated, “If this bill would have passed a year a go, my daughter may have never gotten pregnant”
Unleash the Power of Shift! Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out? A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers. Q: What happens if I press both shift keys? A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you. Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with more...
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"
In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "He sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?"
"Why no, my son, whatever is on your mind?"
"About this celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin'it?"
"Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand!"
"Well would ya ever consider, you know doin'it?"
The nun thinks a while
"Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it."
"Well, what would dose conditions happen to be?"
"He'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and, well certainly he could have no children."
"Sista, today is your lucky day. I'm all three. Why do youse come more...