Contest Jokes / Recent Jokes

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex Now Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said, "I had planned to have Sex on T. V." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!!" The Judge said, "Me too". Then I told him that after I was married that Sex had left me. He said "Me too". Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning. I said looking for more...

Caption Contest:

If this scene went Gilbert & Sullivan:
Starts with palsied kid singing:
"I'm a palsied kid at a table
trying to eat a turkey
But really I'm unable
Right here in Albuquerque
For my hands are so unstable
and my mind's a little murkey
Too bad it's not beef jerky"
The Chorus:
"Too bad it's not beef jerky
too bad it's not beef jerky
He's from Albuquerque
In New Mex-i-co, New Mex-i-co
trying to eat a turkey
But he's just too herky-jerky
Yes, he cannot eat a turkey
'cause he's just too herky-jerky"
And then, as with all good Gilbert & Sullivan, the bananas in the background start dancing and singing:
"We're a bunch of bananas from Paraguay
They said "Come to America" we said "No way!"
But here we are and we must say
You better eat us now or we turning black
And once we do, we never get out credit back
You better eat us now or more...

Tommy Kempfer and Lisa Thompson had been living in a truck, hoping to outlast the other in a contest to win a new 30,000-dollar vehicle from WMAD-FM in Madison. After 55 days, the station became concerned that the contest would never end. On Tuesday, the station offered the two a compromise: End the contest and receive 10,000 dollars toward the purchase of a new vehicle or continue with the runner-up receiving nothing. Both agreed to the deal. The truck was later donated to a local homeless shelter; it was returned the next day because the shelter said the truck smelled awful.

If you want to be America's premier "American Flatulator," you've got to have it... gas, that is. And if you're pumped up for the challenge, you'll have to let yourself go in a series of hilarious, explosive events that are sure to clear the air - and maybe the room - about who's really full of it. The events include:
POWER BALLOON
"American Flatulators" and the challengers face off in a rip-roaring, cheek-to-cheek competition designed to separate the big boomers from the little bags of wind. The object behind POWER BALLOON is that each contestant must fill a heavy gauge balloon with his or her own natural gas until the durable plastic sack becomes too pooped and pops. Each contestant uses their own unique technique to fill 'er up. Winner takes all! No ifs, and or butts.
DON'T PASS THE GAS
This contest demands real endurance. Opponents use giant Q-Tip like pugel sticks (as in Pee UUU) to try and knock the farts out of each other. The winner is the more...

The Spelling Bee... Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest.
Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won!
He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word.

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the
judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously
for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking
out the electricity. Moments later when the power is restored, God announces
that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and
cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus
enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of
an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact! more...

GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT--

With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I more...