Control Jokes / Recent Jokes
A medical mystery. A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel. A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running. A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes. A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body. A notch off the timing mark. A one-bit brain with a parity error. A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A prime candidate for natural deselection. A quart low. A return with no gosub. A room temperature IQ. A semitone flat on the high notes. A square with only three sides. A steering wheel / few bolts short of a Yugo. A teapot with a cracked lid. A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world. A VGA card and a Herc monitor. A victim of retroactive birth control. A violin minus the bow. A walking more...
At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.
Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?"
Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"
Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)1. Elementary map reading2. Crying and law enforcement3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast. 6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it." )7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")13. How to earn your own money14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry17. Yes, you can fill up more...
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic more...
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And Satan brought forth more...
In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested she try withdraw, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor. "I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children. "On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"