Crash Jokes / Recent Jokes

there was this airplane flying over the ocean and the pilot gets on the radio and says ladys and gentalmen we are about to make a crash landing into the ocean you might want to put your seatbelts on this won guy said the hell with that and started ripping his cloths off the stewartest said what the hell are you doing and he said i always herd on tv that when you land and hit the water you always get real wet and your close get heavy and you sink and hit the bottom im going to float as long as i can so this other guy jumped up and started to put that guys cloths on the stewartest said what are you doing he said i always herd on tv when you land and hit that water you get real cold and die of hypothermia and im going to stay warm as long as i can...then this other guy jumps up and says yall are all crazy and he runs over there and grabs this big black girl and starts pooring it to her and the stewartest says what the hell are you doing and he said well i always herd on tv the first more...

Real opcodesAAC Alter All Commands AAD Alter All Data AAO Add And Overflow AAR Alter At Random AB Add Backwards ABC AlphaBetize Code ABR Add Beyond Range ACC Advance CPU Clock ACDC Allow Controller to Delete Contents ACDP Allow Controller to Die Peacefully ACQT Advance Clock to Quitting Time ADB Another Dumb Bug AEE Absolve Engineering Errors AFF Add Fudge Factor AFHB Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary AFP Abnormalize Floating Point AFR Abort Funny Routine AFVC Add Finagle`s Variable Constant AGB Add GarBage AGWA Add and Get Wrong Answer AI Add Improper AIB Attack Innocent Bystander AIB Attack Innocent Bystanders AISG Access and Improve Student Grade AMM Add Mayo and Mustard AMM Answer My Mail AMS Add Memory to System ANC ANnoy Consultant AOI Annoy Operator Immediate AR Advance Rudely AR Alter Reality ARN Add and Reset to Non-zero ARN Add and Reset to Nonzero ARZ Add and Reset to Zero AS Add Sideways ASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSI AT Accumulate Trivia AWP Argue With more...

These are headlines for various newspapers in '97 (we will protect the guilty by not mentioning from whence they came):
Include your children when baking cookies.
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
Police begin campaign to rundown jaywalkers.
Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
Iraqi head seeks arms.
Prostitutes appeal to Pope.
Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.
British left waffles on Falklands Islands.
Teacher strikes idle kids.
Clinton wins on budget, but more lies ahead.
Plane too close to the ground, crash probe told.
Miners refuse to work after death.
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
Stolen painting found by tree.
Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.
War dims hope for peace.
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while.
Cold wave linked to temperatures.
Enfields couple slain; police suspect homicide.
Red tape holds up new more...

THE BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1998

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a more...

How do you crash a blonde in a helicopter

Tell her it's cold. She'll turn the fan off.

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
In a heroic dogfight, fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60s era American-built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passengers/observers aboard chewed up one of China’s best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft.
The Americans utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on auto pilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of its four formidable rotating air mass propeller weapons system.
After the action, the crew and passengers/observers dropped in on China’s Hainan Island Resort for some much-deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese more...

The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash

"He can't come to the phone right now.. he's on the ledge."

"He won't be in today... he was made an offer and he refused."

"He left the building and not via the elevator.. if you catch my drift."

"I'm sorry, sir.. she's not in... she's out digging up your can as we speak."

There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."

"He's on another line with his Mommy.. would you care to hold?"

"No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"

"He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."

"I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."

"Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the more...