Crawled Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two friends are out on a hunting trip. While Jeff has never been hunting before, Jim has hunted all his life. Jim instructs Jeff to sit by a tree and not make a sound while he goes to check out a deer stand.
He gets a fair distance from Jeff when he suddenly hears a blood-curdling scream. He races back to Jeff and shouts, "Didn't I tell you to keep quiet?"
"Hey, I tried," says a shaken Jeff. "I honestly did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't utter a sound. While that bear was breathing down my neck, I never made a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up the legs of my pants and said, 'Shall we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any longer!"

Christmas of 1997, a couple of my Dad's friends decided to cut down their own tree. Upon returning home, the husband was covered in pine pitch, so he started a shower while his wife began to decorate the tree. If only it remained that simple...

Mid-shower, the wife let forth with a huge scream bringing the husband bounding down the stairs wearing nothing but suds. She was pointing under the sofa, shrieking "A snake! A huge black snake crawled out of the tree and slithered under the sofa!"

The husband quickly began his manly-man duty, and got on hands and knees and crawled under the coffee table to get a better look under the sofa. Meanwhile, the wife sprinted outside to get some help, and released their Labrador Retriever from his pen. The dog ran inside the open back door and into the living room. Upon spying the husband in his awkward position, the dog did what any dog with an ice-cold nose would do when meeting someone. Feeling this glacial greeting, more...

A man's car broke down in the middle of the Nullarbor plain (in other words: middle of nowhere). There was not another car in sight, so he started walking...
Three hours later no cars had passed and he was getting very, very thirsty. Just then a man riding a kangaroo bounced up.
"Want to buy a tie?" he asked.
"No! Water - quick, help, water."
"Sorry, I've only got ties." and the man and roo bounded off.
Hours later, the stranded man was still staggering along - desperate now for a drink. Another man (and another kangaroo) bounded up to him.
"Water, help I need water." gasped the stranded man.
"Oh, wouldn't you like to buy a tie?" said the mounted man.
"No! Water - quick, help water!"
"Sorry mate, I can do you with a nice polka dot or a paisley or even a hand painted lady - but can't help with water." and off he went.
The man was crawling now, inch by inch he clambered over the more...

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.
He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said,' Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. Gasping for breath, he asked her, “Why did you do that? ” “Those are for the funeral. ”

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said,' Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

On the fourth night of their honeymoon, the blissful newlyweds turned off the lights and crawled under the covers.
Turning towards his bride, he tenderly informed her that tonight, for a change of pace, he wanted a hand job instead of the usual stuff. Being the proper girl that she was, she had no idea what a 'hand job' was.
She quickly got out of bed, put on her robe and headed for the phone to call her mother.
"Mom, he wants a hand job and I don't know what he means," she whispered.
"Oh, honey," her mother replied, "it's really quite simple. Just grab it and shake it like you're trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."
"Gee, Mom, that does sound easy enough. Thanks," she replied, hanging up the phone.
She then removed her robe and crawled back into bed. Snuggling up to her new husband, she grabbed his member firmly with one hand and began smacking the end of it with the other hand.