Crazy Jokes / Recent Jokes
What are you, fucking stupid? Why would the creator of the universe give a shit what kind of hat you wear or count how many times you rub some beads or kneel and face a certain direction? Does your God have OCD?
You: Oh great and powerful God, what do you ask of me?
God: I need you to wash your feet three times a day, then kneel and face due north for ten full minutes while wearing a snorkel. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's pretty much what it's all about.
You: Wow, that's sounds crazy as dwarf shit, but I'll do it because I'm a weak-willed imbecile who's so terrified of what happens after death that I'll believe anything in a boring book written before pants were invented! I'll also scar my children with this nonsense, and do my best to push it on other people!
God: Dude, I totally appreciate it. Now if you'll excuse me I'll be in heaven saving my urine and feces in bottles and growing a huge, crazy beard.
IT'S A WONDERFUL MACHINE
The Sweetest Christmas Movie Frank Capra Never Made
-- by David Pogue
I guess I shouldn't have gone to a party where the eggnog was spiked, and maybe I shouldn't have watched the movie It's a Wonderful Life while leafing through MacWeek. But anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night -- like a bizarre black-and-white movie that went like this: Jimmy Stewart stars as Steve' Jobs' Bailey, who runs a beleaguered but beloved small-town computer company. For years, big monopolist Bill' Gates' Potter has been wielding his power and money to gain control of the town. And for years, Steve has fought for survival:' This town needs my measly, one-horse computer, if only to have something for people to use instead of Windows!'
But now an angry mob is banging on Apple's front door, panicking.' The press says your company is doomed!' yells one man.' You killed the clones! We're going to Windows!' calls another.' We want out of our more...
This right here is one of the best jokes ever. No matter what all my friends say.
Q: What did the Cow who crossed the road say to the other cow who didn't?
A: "Chicken!"
Dear Ann Landers: So you like "crazy lawsuits?" In the three years I have been writing the Random Nuts column for Graffiti magazine, I've collected some doozies and am pleased to pass some of the best along to you. Here they are:* After he threatened to sue McDonald's for $5 million, a former research scientist was arrested for extortion. The scientist claimed he ate part of a fried rat tail he found in a bag of Happy Meal french fries, but a grand jury said the tail came from one of his own laboratory rats.* A convict wants $1,000 because the state of New York made him eat "vegetable diet loaf" as a punishment for violating prison rules.* Another prisoner is suing because he says secondhand smoke from other inmates is ruining his health, though he smokes himself.* The all-time Random Nuts champ has to be a convicted Brooklyn burglar who is suing the state for $989 billion because prison guards beat up his jacket, which he wasn't wearing at the time.* In Boston, more...
Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and potent all night?"
The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled' Viagra Extra Strength' containing single wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazy for 12 hours."
Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three"
The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks, "Well, how'd it go?" In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the pharmacist had ever seen.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"
Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arms. more...
A guy walks into a construction site, sets down his football bat, and orders a beer. The flamingo looks at him and says, "I'll bet you $5.00 that you can't stand on your own neck."
The guy replies, "Well, if you're out of grilled cheese, then I don't do pianos!"