Custody Jokes / Recent Jokes

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
"No," said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says, "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh, no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay, who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the New York Yankees."
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They don't beat anybody."

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
"No." said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Boston Red Sox."
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They don't beat anybody."

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the child's father) in a barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect.
Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney to represent her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph would be out of luck once it was determined that paternity could not be established within a reasonable degree of medical certainty through blood or DNA testing (97% probability that Joe was the dad is sufficient, but absent divine intervention, that couldn't happen, hmmm?).
He would be excluded from juvenile court as a stranger to the proceeding and investigated for possible sexual deviance (all those oxen and asses around), and he would be told that he had no standing to object since he was not the natural father of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by their own admissions they had not yet consummated their union).
The more...

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court of a small, remote village. During the proceedings, custody of the children was the big problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into the world, she should be the one to retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer was also seeking custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story.
After a lengthy silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a dollar into a coke machine and a coke comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"