Damage Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, more...

Hammer
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain
on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on
oneself.
Screwdriver
The drink ordered at the local bar after you
call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage
you did while trying to change out a light socket with your
handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver
The bar drink that you order when the
damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers
A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind
the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers
Contain a handy assortment of sharp and
dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on
a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light
A worklight that lights up your more...

These stories come under the heading:' 'Doc! I was minding my own business when.........

KENNETT, MO - Paramedics rescued a man who had lodged his penis in his bathroom sink drain. The man had been trying to change a light bulb above the sink when he slipped on the lip and fell. His penis sustained heavy bruising and abrasions and swelled so much that he was unable to remove it from the drain. A neighbor, hearing his shouts, called police. They broke the door down, despite the victim's fevered pleas that he was fine and in no need of assistance. Paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and administered an injection, causing the swelling to drop so that the penis could be removed without damage to it or the sink.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza, was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum.' 'My dog drags the thing all over the house,'' he said later.' 'He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, more...

There was a man who bught a cigar. He went to his lawyer to have it insured against fire damage. The insurance company was outraged, so they took him to court, but the man won. So they insured the cigar against fire damage. A few days later, the man lit the cigar and smoked it. When he went to collect the insurance money, because the cigar had, of course, burnt down, they insurance company took him to court again. They won and had him sued, for arson.

That tornado damage your cow barn any? Dunno. Havent found the durn thing yet!

Golf in the Bedroom Rules of Play Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and two balls. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are more...

Scientists have developed a cream that prevents sun damage in red-haired mice. In other news, there are red-haired mice.