"The Modern Toolbox" joke

Hammer
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain
on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on
oneself.
Screwdriver
The drink ordered at the local bar after you
call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage
you did while trying to change out a light socket with your
handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver
The bar drink that you order when the
damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers
A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind
the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers
Contain a handy assortment of sharp and
dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on
a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light
A worklight that lights up your backyard
with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to
cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that
you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill
A device that lessens your chance of
electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone
The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor
A mechanical device similar in principal to
harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging
complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old
paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw
Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that
you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips
A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique
the job you're doing or offer advice.