Darn Jokes

I cross ocean, poor and broke. Take bus, see employment folk. Nice man treat me good in there. Say I need to see welfare. Welfare say,' You come no more, We send cash right to your door.' Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy! By and by, I get plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy. Write to friends in motherland, Tell them' come fast as you can.' They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better! Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin. Finally, white guy moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say,' Find more aliens for house to rent.' And in the yard I put a tent. Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw the welfare cash! Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood. We have hobby it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding. Kid's need dentist? Wife's need pills? We get free! We got no more...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. more...

The school my brother's kids go to has the thought police. The kids can't even use euphemisms because if you say "shoot" you're thinking "shit." Of course this is also the emotional police, because now you're really not allowed to have exclamations at all.

Story goes that my then eight year old nephew was playing with some blocks or something and they fell over. He says, "Darn!"

Teacher says, "Don't say' darn'."

Nephew asks, "Can I say' shoot'?"

"No."

"Can I say' heck'?"

"No, you know you can't."

My nephew then paused for a moment and said, "Well, god damn it, what the hell can I say?"

My brother apparently had a really hard time keeping a straight face in the principal's office when he had to come collect the boy...

Who's On First(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows? BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team. BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: You know the fellows' names? BUD: Yes. LOU: Well, then who's playin' first. BUD: YesLOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base. BUD: Who. LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis. BUD: Who. LOU: The guy on first base. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for? BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling more...

Jack and Jill were getting married. Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on." "I can't wear these," she said. "Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that." "I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said. He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her. "Put these on," he said. Jill replied, "I can't wear these." "Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said. Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on. "I can't get in to these," he said. "Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"