Darn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Things Not to Hear During Surgery,Part I Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of' em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Who's On First(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows? BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team. BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: You know the fellows' names? BUD: Yes. LOU: Well, then who's playin' first. BUD: YesLOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base. BUD: Who. LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis. BUD: Who. LOU: The guy on first base. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for? BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling more...

* Wow, that's really cool! Now you can make his leg twitch!?!
* We'd better save that. We're going to need it for the autopsy.
* Hold on a minute, if this is his spleen, then what the heck is that?
* Darn, there go the lights again.
* Someone call the janitor, please. Looks like we're going to need a mop.
* Stand back everyone. I've lost my contact lens!
* Well, folks, this is going to be an experiment for all of us.
* Can anyone see where I left that scalpel?
* Sure wish I had remembered my glasses.
* Would you please stop that thing from beating! It's throwing my concentration way off!
* Nurse, has this patient signed the organ donor card?
* Stop worrying. I think it's sharp enough.
* Darn! Page 57 is missing from the manual!
* Everyone take cover! She's going to blow!
* Fire! Fire! Everyone get out!

Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Darn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Darn." WHACK!
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it!
Q: What do you call skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet
Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting
Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

A brennette, a red head, and a blonde break out of jail. They decide to hide in a next door barn. The next morning the brenette hears police car sirighns. "Quick lets hide in those baskets!" Says the bernette. So they hide. The cop is ordered to kick the first basket he does and the bernett says "Bark!" "Darn dogs." The cop mumbles. He is ordered to kick the second basket. He does and the red head says "Meow!" "Darn cats." the cop again mumbles. He is ordered to kick the last basket and the blonde yells "PATATOES!!!"

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Darn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right? Anyone see where I left that scalpel? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now! Darn! Page 47 of the manual is more...

Jack absolutely hated his wife's cat, so he decided to get rid of him. He put the cat in the car, drove about twenty or so blocks from his home, and left the cat at the park.
When he returned home and was about to enter his driveway, there was the cat sitting in the middle of it.
The following day, he tried again. He put the cat in the car and, this time, drove about forty blocks from home and left the cat there.
As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat!
Each day he would try again, taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
Finally, he put the cat in the car and decided to drive several miles away, turned right, then left, went over the bridge, left again, then another left, then a right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from home and left the cat there.
Several hours later, Jack called his wife. "Hi, honey, is the cat there?"
"Yes," his wife more...