Dat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won $500, 000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question...... will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "OK.

The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?
(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon." Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin' ell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...... it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick. "I'm fookin more...

Wuz de night befo CrismusAn all ober de hoodEverybody wuz sleepin'Day wuz sleepin' good. Everbody wuz sleepin'all tight in they bedsWhilst Thunderbird WineDanced in they headsI was passed out on de floRight next to my MaWhen I heard such a fussI thinked "It must be de law!!"I looked out tru de barzdat covered my doSpectin' de sherifwith a warrant fo sho! Now ober de yearsSanny Claws, he be white. But it lookin' like us brosgot a black Sanny dis nightNow what I did seemade me say "LAWD Lood at dat!"It was a huge watermellon cadipulled by dwarf ratsFaster than a po-lice carTrue de air he camean whupped up on dem warf ratsan called emm by name. On Leroy, on Kendrick, On Jontarious Lee, on FalaciousThey was a sight to seeHe didn't go down no chimbly-just picked de lock on my do'An I says to myself-"Shit! He done did befo'!"He had a big sackfull of presents I spectWith Air Jordans and Fake Goldto go' round my neck. But he didn't leave any presents-just started more...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry,

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's Hiace to drive to the top of the Conor Pass.

At the Conor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says; "Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feckin' dangerous for me."

PART TWO:

Moment's later Seamus arrives more...

WOMEN'S RIGHTSThe following took place at an international conference for women's rights. The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered). The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and more...

Said to be true:

There was a boatswain's mate named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches inport on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics ---

In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:

'Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail.'

A very pregnant pause' Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!'

Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD (Officer of the Deck).

'Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash *receptacles* into the *containers* provided on the pier.'

This was a different day but he was piping' general visiting'

'Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard.'

Tony went into the fish market to apply for a job.

The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Bronx kid, so he decided to set a test for Tony hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Tony says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Tony says, "Tree' n tree' n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Tony stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Tony answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so more...

Ebonics Crimmus PomeWuz de nite befo Crimmus An' all ower de hood ereybody wuz' sleepin' Dey wuz sleepin' goodWe hunged up our stockings An hoped like de' heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin' our checkAll o'de fambily Wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru' dey headsI passed out inna' flo Right nex to my Maw When I heard sech a fuss I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"I looked out thru de bars What covered my doe' spectin' de sheriff Wif a warrent fo shoAnd what did I see I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon Pulled by giant warf rats!! Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white But looks liken us bros Gets a black Sanna dis niteFaster dan a Po'lees car My home boy he came He whupped on dem warf rats An' called dem by name! On Leroy, on' Lonzo And on Willie Lee On Saphire, on Chenequa Dey wuz a site to see!! As he landed dat watta' mellon Out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo' sho' Da damndest site I ebber did seeHe didn't more...