Decide Jokes / Recent Jokes

A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce." The judge says, "Youve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?" The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant? A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

> We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married,
> have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old
> enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated
> that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they
> are out of that stage.
>
> We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets
> his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice
> vacation, when we retire.
>
>The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If
> not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best
> to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
>
> One of my favourite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a
> long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life.
>
> But there was always some obstacle in the more...

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works...
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors more...

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the more...

1. free dinners
2. free lunches
3. free brunches
4. free movies (you get the point)
5. you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
6. you can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
7. you know the truth about whether size matters
8. speeding ticket? What's that?
9. you can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
10. you actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
11. you don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies
12. if you never have a son, it's okay
13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
14. if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being
15. a new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
16. in high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned
17. if you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, it more...

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they more...