Decide Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a father went to his three sons and told them that he would die soon and he needed to decide which one of them to give his property to. He decided to give them all a test. He said "Go to the market my sons and purchase something that is large enough to fill my bedroom, but small enough to fit in your pocket.From this I will decide who of you is the wisest and worthy enough to inherit my land." So they all went to the market and bought something that they thought would fill the room, yet was still small enough that they could fit into their pockets. Each son came back with a different item. The father told his sons to come into his bedroom one at a time and try to fill up his bedroom with whatever they had purchased. The first son came in and put some peices of cloth that he had bought and layed them end to end across the room, but it bearly covered any of the floor. Then the second son came in and layed some hay, that he had purchased, on the floor but there was only more...

One day an old jewish pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light bulb
burn out. To get a new one he'll have to stand in line for two hours
at the store (and they'll probably be out by the time he gets there),
so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil
lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.
He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen
better days. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in
cloud of smoke.
"Hoho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing
me I will grant you three wishes."
The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan
resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to the
Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march
back home."
"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
"Ok. I want Genghis Khan more...

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..
Marriage is not more...

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8: 05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8: 12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8: 14 am User from 8: 05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11: 00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she more...

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.Marriage is a rest period between romances.Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.Marriage is the high sea for which no more...

There was a rich guy and a poor guy sitting together in a bar. The poor guy says "Well I must be going because I don't have that much money so I must go" (he stands, ready to leave) The rich guy says "No, sit down and I will buy you more drinks."
Poor guy: "Alright, but just one more, I really have to be getting home. It is my wife and I's anniversary"
Rich guy: "Really? My wife and I's anniversary was last week!"
Poor guy: "what did you get her?"
Rich guy: "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes"
Poor guy: "what made you decide to get her those?"
Rich guy: "Oh, I figured that if she didn't like the diamond ring, she could drive it back to the jewelers. So, what did you get your wife?"
Poor guy: "I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo"
Rich guy: "What made you decide to get her those?"
Poor guy: I figured that if she didn't like the more...

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. Sothey set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually theyend up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at theelephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, whatis that long thing?" His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That, son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silence after which she replies,"That's nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not beingsatisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question." Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son," replies the father." No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was more...