Dictionary Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tom and Brad have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Tom says, "Hey, Brad, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we're privates," protests Brad. "We're sergeants now," says Tom, pulling him inside. "Now, Brad, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Tom.
"Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Tom pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Brad, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Brad goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Tom the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Tom is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Brad," he says, "Why'd you give me the okay?"
"Well, Tom, in the dictionary, it more...

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up' prostitute.' The definition reads:' A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay.'
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up' panda.' The definition reads:' An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.'

Thanks to Jim from Florida for the Joke.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After eating the sandwich, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter, and prepares to leave.
The manager shouts, "Where are you going? You ate your food, shot my waiter, and now you're leaving without paying!"
The panda responds, "I am a panda - that's what pandas do. If you don't believe me, look it up."
With that, the panda slammed a dictionary on the table and exited the restaurant.
The manager, being curious, grabbed the dictionary and checked the definition for a panda. He read, "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up' panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word' panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time...
The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he's done, Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, "hey...what about my money?"
Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied "Huh?"
"Come here..." she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word koala and showed her its definition: "eats bush and leaves."