Eighty Jokes / Recent Jokes

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "Whats the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still cant get the lid off the bloody bottle."

The eighty year old man had gone to see his doctor for pre-marriage tests.
"I'm marrying a twenty year old", he said.
"Why are you doing that?", asked the doctor.
"I want a son and heir. Can you give me any advice?"
"Yes, get a lodger", said the doctor, smirking. A few months later, the old fellow returned to the doctor.
"Is your wife pregnant yet?", queried the doctor.
"Yes".
"So you did take in a lodger?"
"Oh yes", replied the old man, "and she's pregnant too!"

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." Then his wife asked him, "Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No, I can remember that." "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett er write that down cause I know youll forget that," his wife more...

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out! "

"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
"No. .. not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6: 30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let more...

My grandmother is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... She drinks straight out of the carton.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.
"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' more...

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""How's that?" the would be accountant asked."I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.""I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?""I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively."Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?""That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!"