Email Jokes / Recent Jokes

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2) You now think of three espressos as ''getting wasted.''
3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, ''What's for dinner?''
6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.
10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you more...

Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year (for Nerds)
10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
3. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
-1. I will read the manual.
-2. I will think of a password more...

body: The man replied " I don't have a computer, neither an email" I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job. The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and
started to go everyday earlier, and return late.
Thus, his money doubles or triples every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, more...

1) You are Right! - sent by: Rose - Email

There were two guys, and one day they found a house of ill repute. The
first guy goes in. He comes out a few minutes later and says with a
sneer, "My wife is better!"
Then the second guy goes in, comes out and says, "You know what? Your
wife IS better."
===========
2) Stupid Men - Sent by: Rose - Email

Has it occurred to you how stupid men are - think this out-
If men can run the world why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
3) Driving - Sent by: Hector Perera - Email: Hector@hperera. freeserve. co. uk

A Ploiceman saw a couple driving a car with the man putting one hand under her blouse while driving it with one hand on the steering. He didn't want to charge him but just said to the man' If I were you I would use both hands'. The man said' I like to use both hands but more...

THE “FORWARDER’S” 12 STEP PROGRAM
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need too. Everyone say it with me…
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an e-mail!

2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.

4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail!(If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)

7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone more...

There is a new virus going around, called' work'. If you receive any sort of' work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open' work' or even look at' work' have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter' work' via email or are faced with any' work' at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words' Sorry...I'm off to the pub'. The' work' should automatically be deleted from your brain. If you receive' work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the' work' to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that' work' will no longer be of any relevance to you. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do more...

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like
Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
''Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected,'' said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. ''Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook,'' said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister.
''By more...