England Jokes / Recent Jokes

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
a. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar..
b. The dog was receiving 90 more...

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuits for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first.
The repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, the repair man found:
A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling more...

60° F:
Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.50° F:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.40° F:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.32° F:
Distilled water freezes.
Maine's Moose head Lake's water gets thicker.20° F:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.15° F:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.0° F:
All the people in Miami die.
New Englanders close the windows.10° below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.25° below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
People in New England get out their winter coats.40° below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot more...

BANTA Singh, like all good Sardars, always greeted everyone in the congregation with a loud." Wakey Guruji Ka Khalsa, Wakey Guruji Ki Fateh'.'

After spending a few years in England he returned home and at the village gurudwara produced an Anglicised version of the greeting: "Sat Sri Akal. And a copy to all."

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle
in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan more...

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal- gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, more...

Big news out of England this morning that David Beckham has been dropped from the country's soccer team.

Tough decision for England's coach Steve McClaren?

Not really. The nail in Beckham's coffin came when, on the same day, British authorities announced that baby formula would no longer be allowed on all outbound flights out of Heathrow Airport.