Englishman Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive."
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

There was an Englishman an Irishmanand a Scotsman. They all worked on the top of a cliff and the Englishman said, "If Ihave cheese in my sandwich tomorrow I'll jump off this cliff!

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all boasting to each other about
presents they have bought their wives for their birthdays.
The Englishman says "I've bought my wife a 24-carot gold ring and a
glove".
"Why have you got her a glove?" the other two ask.
"Because when she wears the ring in public, I want her to wear the glove
so no-one can nick it off her finger" he replies.
The Scotsman is not impressed and proudly braggs "I've got my wife a
diamond necklace and a scarf".
The other two, slightly confused, ask "What's the scarf for?"
"So that when she wears it in crowded places, she can put the scarf around
her neck to prevent it being snatched" the Scotsman replies.
The Englishman and Scotsman, both feeling proud at their gifts, were keen
to hear
what the Irishman had bought his wife and invited him to tell them.
"Well, I got her a pair of shoes and a more...

There was an englishman irishman and a scotsman who worked on a buildin site.
it was time for their dinner so the englishman opened his bait box and said "if i get cheese sandwiches tommorrow i will throw myself off that bridge" the scotsman and irishman say the same
so the next day comes and the englishman has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge
the scotsman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge and the irishman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge
at the funeral the wives meet up and the englishmans wife says "i could of just made him another kind of sandwich" the scotsmans wife says i would of got another kind of cheese" the irishmans wife says i do not know why he jumped he made his own sandwiches.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,
"God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's more...

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a fat man are all going skydiving. When they get to jump the Englishman shouts, "God save England!"
The Scotsman shouts, "God save Scotland!"
The Irishman shouts, "God save Ireland!"
Then the fat man jumps and shouts, "God save whoever I land on!"

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
a bar having a few drinks together.
The Englishman says to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your
wife wild?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "After making love, I go out to the garden and
pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body.
then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives her wild."
Then the Frenchman says, "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
To which the Englishman replies, "After making love, I get some baby oil and
massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Then the pair turn to the Newfoundlander and ask him what he does.
"Naawww you don't want to know what I do" he says.
So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they
ask him what he does.
"Well..," more...