Enter Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...

Most of us have now cultured to live with voice mail as a essential part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following response:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2

For all other languages, press 3
Please choose one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am apologetic, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a refusal response, please hang more...

APPLICANTS for a job asked to appear before an interview board were told that the candidate who gave the briefest reply would be selected. First came a young man from Lucknow. Being a well-bred Lukhnavi, he knocked gently on the door and asked,' Sir, have I Your Honour's permission to come in?'
'Rejected!' replied the Chairman of the Selection Board.
The second was an equally well-bred Tamilian:' May I enter, Sir?' he asked.
'Rejected!' bawled the Chairman of the Board.
The third was a Punjabi. He pushed open the door and asked,' Vadaan?' (Enter?)
'Selected!' replied the Chairman.

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. "Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first
concern. Take as much time as you need."As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?""Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.""We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?""Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful more...

Ways to turn men down
HE: can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face likeyours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake
twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have more...

A man called the computer company because he was having trouble with his computer. A woman answered the phone.
"Hello. May I help you?
"Yes. I'm having trouble with my computer. Every time I press the enter key my computer goes biserk."
"I think I know what you should do."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"What should I do?"
"You should stop pressing the enter key."

To: All Release 5.0 Users
In Recognition of the number of problems that you have been
having with our sofware, we have set up a special
private BBS to serve you better. On this BBS your needs will
be addressed promply and with the highest priority. All future
correspondence should be via this new channel.
To access the BBS, you must dial in from a PC based modem running
Windows '95 (TM Microsoft) using the communication package "el PC
telefono" which is sold in most Latin American countries. Call your
special access number 1-900-543-2100 (1200 Baud, No Parity, 1 Stop Bit).
When connected, type in your 147 character access code. Please
note that to protect your account security the code is not displayed
on the screen as you type. The password is also case sensitive.
This will give you access to the Welcome screen from which you can
access all the other areas on the BBS. (The welcome screen is very
graphics intensive more...