Everybody Jokes / Recent Jokes
Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.Queen Elizabeth II said "I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, "I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called more...
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since
nobody listens.
Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the luck runs out.
Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's' Cheers')
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' Can I draw you a beer, Norm? '
' No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.'
' How's a beer sound, Norm?'
' I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.'
' What's shaking, Norm?'
' All four cheeks and a couple of chins.'
' What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?'
' Going Down?'
' What's new, Normie?'
' Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.'
' What'll it be, Normie?'
' Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.'
' What would you say to a beer, Normie?'
' Daddy wuvs you.'
' What'd you like, Normie?'
' A reason to live. Give me another beer.'
' What'll you have, Normie?'
' Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a
glass of whatever comes out more...
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
1. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
2. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
3. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
4. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
5. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
6. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
7. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
9. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
10. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Sheldon Scheney sent me this article in response to my post about the competition between San Jose's Mayor's office and San Jose's Police department as to which was funnier.
I had heard about the drug lord wedding sting. I always enjoy a good sting. The pawn shop sting was used successfully in Washington DC a few years ago. One of my favorites, if not quite a sting, was back when truckers were forming convoys to scoff the 55 mile an hour speed limit. Maryland State Police had an 18 wheeler they had confiscated hauling something illegal, so they used it as an unmarked police car. It would infiltrate convoys, identify the trucks, one by one as it either passed them or was passed by them, then the whole convoy was stopped and everybody ticketed.
Another I enjoyed was last December as I was driving up route 95 - a favorite highway up the east coast from Florida past many east coast cities like Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia, New York, heavily used by drug traffickers and more...