Everybody Jokes / Recent Jokes

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Sardarji went to a logic school to learn logic. "To begin with, I'll explain you the term logic with the help of an example," the Professor said.
"Do you have a fish pond?" asked the Professor.
"Yes," said Sardarji.
"This means you love fish," the Professor continued.
"Yes."
"That is you love water."
"Yes."
"Everybody drinks water, meaning you love everybody."
"Yes."
"This means you love a boy."
"Yes."
"So you love a girl."
"Yes."
"If you love a girl, then you are a boy."
"Yes, I am a boy."
"And if you are a boy, you are not homosexual."
"Yes, true, I am not a homosexual," said Sardarji.
"So this is the logical relationship between a fish pond and homosexual," the Professor ended.
That night Sardarji could not sleep more...

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open more...

G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cock-er spaniel.

Often times, minorities are mistreated by the majority, which leads to civil rights abuses, discrimination, and bad jokes.
This is unfair, so minorities have developed a method of defending themselves from the majority. .. it goes like this: We're picked on because we're different from everyone else.
You shouldn't pick on us because deep down, we're the same as everybody else.
But we're going to lobby for special treatment to ensure that we're different from everyone else...
And when we get it, we can tell everyone else how we are finally accepted as being "equal" to everyone else.
Unless everyone else complains about being picked on because they're different from everyone else...
In which case we'll lobby against them, because they shouldn't be treated different from everybody else, when they're really the same as everybody else.
And if someone tries to point out that that's what we did, we'll tell them to go "someplace else".

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork more...

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges.
Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket.
The Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says "just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.
Once more the little man appears from the guy's shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket.
Bartender says "explain yourself, or leave."
Guy says "Well....I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the more...