Everything Jokes / Recent Jokes

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
"I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."
"I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

Funniest one-liner
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having more...

THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.

Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.

Biological Science: A contradiction in more...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" more...

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end... "

Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.