Everything Jokes / Recent Jokes

Written by a Viet Nam Vet
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
"In Memory of The Twin Towers"
Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)
The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.
He bloodied up our nation
didn't give a reason why.
Now he's placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name
So God's coming lookin for him
And he's got himself to blame.
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Just go hidin in your hills
You'll be buried in your caves.
You'll get what you've got comin now
For being Satans slaves.
You've woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep
Now with open roar like lions
There's one promise he will keep
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no more...

(Order): Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
(Chaos): I am here, but my opposite is you.
(Order): Huh?
(Evil): Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
(Truth): My opposite is not here.
(Good): Is your opposite "Lies"?
(Truth): My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
(Evil): )snicker( Figures!
(Order): Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
(Evil): Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
(Good): I have the cards.
(Evil): I've got the chips.
(Truth): I have the beer.
(Chaos): I have the cards!
(Order): Shut up.
...
(Order): Whose deal is it?
(Evil): Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
(Truth): It is Good's deal.
(Good): OK, five card draw... uh, everything is wild.
(Evil): How can anyone win if everything is wild?
(Good): No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
(Order): I like this game.
(Evil): more...

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end... "

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Everything can be filed under' miscellaneous'. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is more...

The World's Shortest Books
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's more...

What the world is like in TV land:
1. If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immedaitely unless you are being chased
by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a suprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a 'dark' secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. more...

Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.