Excellent Jokes / Recent Jokes

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Directorwas tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never oncehad a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive inan elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St Peter, "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an Eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the HR Director.
"Sorry, we have rules."
And with that St. Peter put the HR executive in a lift and down it went to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping onto the putting green of a beautiful golf more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.""Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman."Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.When the doors opened, much to her more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly more...

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name"?