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Good Health

An elderly man and woman go to the doctor for a checkup.
First the doctor calls the husband in. "Well, sir," he says, "you are in excellent health for your age. How do you do it?"
The husband replies, "I get by on love from my wife, and when she can't help me, the Lord does. Like last night, I went to use the bathroom, and when I opened the door, the Lord turned the light on for me."
After agreeing on what a wonderful story that was, the doctor called the wife in. "Well, ma'am," he said, "You are in excellent health. How do you do it?"
The wife replies, "I get by on love from my husband, and when he can't help me, the Lord does."
"That's remarkable," says the doctor, "Your husband says the same thing." The doctor then retold the husband's story, finishing with "...the Lord turned the light on for me."
"Oh dear," said the wife, "He's been peeing in the more...

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One day while walking down the

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.""Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman."Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell. When the doors opened, much to her more...

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Career Choice

After a very successful career, a former Human Relations guru found herself at the pearly gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you, so what we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
With that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and went down to hell. The doors opened, and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with - and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up, kissed her and talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf, and at night more...

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Classified Ad Bloopers!

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog
German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
1 Man, 7 Women hot tub - $850/offer
Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.
2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own
1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.
83 Toyota Hunchback - $2,000
Star Wars Job of the Hut - $15
Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89
Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.
FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home
Nordic Track $300
Hardly more...

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Movie's of the 80's

Guess the following movie quotes. All movies were released between the years 1980 and 1989. Comedies, dramas, action, etc. Some are quite simple, and others are more difficult.

There are 37 items, followed by the answers at the bottom, so you may wish to save reading this for a less hectic portion of your day.

1) Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

2) We're on a mission from God.

3) People on' ludes should not drive.

4) This house is clean.

5) Shall we play a game?

6) Terrific!! I've got a trig mid-term tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido the killer pimp.

7) Back off man, I'm a scientist.

8) That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else.

9) I know a little German. He's sitting over there.

10) Can I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo.

11) Excuse me, Dick, I mean Rich, will milk be more...

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Classified Funny Ads

•Include your children when baking cookies!
•Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
•Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
•British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
•Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
•A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
•Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
•For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
•For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
•Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
•Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
•Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at more...