Expense Jokes

A Newfie goes to Toronto to seek his fortune, and after a couple of years is doing very well for himself. His brother calls from Newfoundland to tell him their father is very ill and probably won't survive.
"Well, if he dies I'll pay for the funeral; the best of everything, spare no expense, just send me the bill," says the Toronto Newfie.
Two weeks later he gets a bill in the mail for $7500.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets a bill for $75.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets another bill for $75.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets yet another bill for $75.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets a bill for $75.00
He calls his brother and says, "What the hell is going on; why do keep get a bill for $75.00 every week?"
His brother tells him, "Well, you said spare no expense, so we more...

Bidding - Additional Requirements
Section 1A - The Truth
The requirements of Division 01 and of those documents under bidding
requirements and conditions of the contract and anything else we don't
think looks good here is null and void. If you know what's good for
you, you'd read this real close (meaning the contractor).
1.1 The work we did is clearly showed in the attached plans and
specifications. Our engineer, whose had plenty of college, spent one
hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and
specifications, but nobody can think of everything.
Once your bid is in - that's it, brother. From then on, anything
wanted by our engineer, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except
the contractor) shall be considered as showed, specified or implied
and shall be provided by the contractor without no expense to nobody,
but himself (meaning the contractor).
1.2 If the work is did without no expense to the more...

30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Holler random more...

Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie deep in the heart of the Amazon rain forest. The costs involved in transporting the multitude of movie making equipment to the site were immense. On top of that, he had a cast of thousands to feed and clothe. It was his most expensive production yet and he sank his entire personal fortune into the project.
The biggest expense was building an exact replica of an Ancient city in the middle of the jungle. No expense was spared to make the city authentic.
The climax of the movie was to be the complete destruction of the city in a dramatic fire. Since Spielberg planned to actually burn the city to the ground, there was only one chance to film it. He set up four cameras:
"Camera one, I want you up in the helicopter to get an overhead shot of the whole scene."
"Yes, boss."
"Camera two, I want you at the edge of the clearing for a medium range shot."
"Yes, boss."
"Camera more...

A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar."You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, more...